According to TheDullBlade, one of the great philosophers of our age is Jack Handey, whose revelations are every bit as applicable to Go as that other completely unrelated page.
- I don't think I'm alone when I say I'd like to see more and more planets fall under the ruthless domination of our solar system.
- I'd rather be rich than stupid.
- Instead of trying to build newer and bigger weapons of destruction, we should be thinking about getting more use out of the ones we already have.
- If you're a horse, and someone gets on you, and falls off, and then gets right back on you, I think you should buck him off right away.
- I wish I had a Kryptonite cross, because then you could keep both Dracula AND Superman away.
- Sometimes I think I'd be better off dead. No, wait, not me, you.
- What is it that makes a complete stranger dive into an icy river to save a solid gold baby? Maybe we'll never know.
- If they ever come up with a swashbuckling School, I think one of the courses should be Laughing, Then Jumping Off Something.
- If you define cowardice as running away at the first sign of danger, screaming and tripping and begging for mercy, then yes, Mr. Brave man, I guess I'm a coward.
- If you ever fall off the Sears Tower, just go real limp, because maybe you'll look like a dummy and people will try to catch you because, hey, free dummy.
- Contrary to what most people say, the most dangerous animal in the world is not the lion or the tiger or even the elephant. It's a shark riding on an elephant's back, just trampling and eating everything they see.
- A good way to threaten somebody is to light a stick of dynamite. Then you call the guy and hold the burning fuse up to the phone. "Hear that?" you say. "That's dynamite, baby."
- As I bit into the nectarine, it had a crisp juiciness about it that was very pleasurable - until I realized it wasn't a nectarine at all, but A HUMAN HEAD!
- Ambition is like a frog sitting on a Venus Flytrap. The flytrap can bite and bite, but it won't bother the frog because it only has little tiny plant teeth. But some other stuff could happen and it could be like ambition.
- Before you judge a man, walk a mile in his shoes. That way you're a mile away and have his shoes.
- Sometimes when I feel like killing someone, I do a little trick to calm myself down. I'll go over to the persons house and ring the doorbell. When the person comes to the door, I'm gone, but you know what I've left on the porch? A jack-o-lantern with a knife stuck in the side of it's head with a note that says "You." After that I usually feel a lot better, and no harm done.
- Fear can sometimes be a useful emotion. For instance, let's say you're an astronaut on the moon and you fear that your partner has been turned into Dracula. The next time he goes out for the moon pieces, wham!, you just slam the door behind him and blast off. He might call you on the radio and say he's not Dracula, but you just say, "Think again, bat man."
- Dad always thought laughter was the best medicine, which I guess is why several of us died of tuberculosis.
- I bet the main reason the police keep people away from a plane crash is they don't want anybody walking in and lying down in the crash stuff, then, when somebody comes up, act like they just woke up and go, "What was THAT?!"
- To me, boxing is like a ballet, except there's no music, no choreography, and the dancers hit each other.
- It takes a big man to cry, but it takes a bigger man to laugh at that man.
- If you're robbing a bank and your pants fall down, I think it's okay to laugh and to let the hostages laugh too, because, come on, life is funny.
- If trees could scream, would we be so cavalier about cutting them down? We might, if they screamed all the time, for no good reason.
- If you ever teach a yodeling class, probably the hardest thing is to keep the students from just trying to yodel right off. You see, we build to that.
- If you go parachuting, and your parachute doesn't open, and you friends are all watching you fall, I think a funny gag would be to pretend you were swimming.
Note: this page was created by TheDullBlade, then removed, which caused some SL Copyright / Discussion. Then the page was revived and arbitrarily limited to 25 quotes (our "comfort zone" regarding fair use). --ArnoHollosi
p.s. the reduction from 36 to 25 quotes lost one of the puns regarding SecretArtOfWar, which contains 36 stratagems.