Keywords: Humour

Gochizzle is a mysterious private go server where the elite of the go world come to play their games in kinship, jealous competition, and sworn secrecy. It's decadent parties, held in private reaches of the internet attended by small groups of it's members, are said to be dangerous to speak openly of even for its members. My hope is that this page can slowly help reveal the truth of this dark cabal to the greater go playing community.


I had heard once that the club is secretly owned by someone called the "Dark Empress?" Is there any truth to this rumor? I've heard she's a particularly scary character to cross.


It's not a rumor. All sources I have spoken with confirm that the Dark Empress is a truly frightening figure. In the virtual backroom of her special club room, "the Den of the Nizzles," she runs high stakes bangneki games with life and death consequences. Those who've played and welched have learned the hard way that her black lacquered nine inch painted finger nails reach into the real world. She employs frightening hordes of midget ninja assassins that can board any plane in secrecy concealed as carry on luggage. The famed bangneki player, Cho Lee-Park, was found with a miniature throwing star lodged in his windpipe. Crossing the Dark Empress is a mistake.


If she's so dangerous, aren't you risking your safety by posting this information?


Someone has to blow the whistle. I accept that it's me. Let the chips fall where they may.


That's not all. From what I hear, they are very selective in who they let in, I once tried to sneak in dressed in my best 5d suit, but I made it two steps in before cheese smothered midget busboys tackled me to the ground. I still have nightmares....

--Angelique (or Jon if you prefer)

Angelique/Jon, you have my admiration. I've only heard of a few who've managed to escape. Your story has moved me, as did your craftiness to sneak in that far. I played a 9x9 board against one of those busboys once, and they're animals. May the dreams someday fade. You've earned it.


Alright, it's true that the Dark Empress pulls the strings at Gochizzle. But what about that shady polar bear who watches the door from a barstool? And what do you know of the "Ivory Serpent," the maniac who slithers along the floor and is lovingly called "the fluffer" by the Dark Empress? I got into a rengo match once with them and a Fijian 9p. The demonic laugh the bear gave everytime he played a crosscut still causes my left hand to shake with a palsy. And while no one saw it happen, it is common knowledge that the Ivory Serpent ate the Fijian 9p. So long is the reach of the Dark Empress that I cannot even find a single surviving kifu to validate this poor player's career. Some ignorant Go enthusiasts claim that she never existed, but I remember the stunning play of Wiki Wiki Ho like it was yesterday!


Has anyone else seen a mysterious Tennessee Mountain Ninja hanging upside down from the rafters? I'm worried that I might be losing my mind. Misplacing it at the very least.


I saw him too!


This would appear to be a new development. I'm disturbed that I haven't heard of this before. I received a message wrapped around a kunai after you posted this. The message read: "Do not remove this tag under penalty of law." God help us all!


I'm a fortunate being to be here to write this missive for you now. I just escaped from the famed backroom of Gochizzle. Managed by the notorious mobster, Tumbler, it is a place of the kind of human torment that only a dan mind could conceive. The Bangneki Dungeon. -wracked with hysterical tears at the memory- Let me compose myself. They kidnapped me and I awoke with a strange dullness in my mind and the scent of gouda in my nostrils. I was in a cheese larder. Two rough midgets dragged me out and propped me in a chair in front of a goban. All around me were other tables and "players." Many of them had already met their fates in this place. Body parts were sprayed everywhere and the good bits draped lovingly. They were playing sudden death/intermittant torture blitz rules. My "opponent" was sat down in front of me and won the negiri with a grim glimmer of hope. Several midgets had to intervene to make him stop fondling the stones. We played our fuseki, at which time the rotating knives were lowered. The abbatoir fuseki is famous in these parts, I'm told. We slapped stones on wood with the terror of men who knew that their lives were in jeapordy (and that their ratings might drop a fraction). Middle game was ugly. So were the midgets that cocked their weapons when either of us seemed to hesitate. The shapes his black stones made were like Rorschach blots prophesying my imminent doom. Ominous eyes watched us from all sides and money changed hands. My brilliant T1 tesuji was spoiled when someone asked me if I had change for a hundred. Desperately we cut each other's formations again and again, believing that somewhere providence would choose us to live this hell on goban. It was during the endgame that the mortar attack bonus yose round began. We were tied (our skill equal). Were it not for a stray piece of shrapnel posing as a stone, I could not have made the one point reduction that gave me a .5 win. From the distance, the manaical laugh of the polar bear roared across the room. My opponent was dragged screaming into the depths of Gochizzle. The screams that arose made me writhe in shame knowing that my victory was unearned. They brought me back to the cheese larder to wait for another match. Others were in there now as well. Hands and feet chained to the walls, we had no hope to escape. Something animal in me rose up then. A survival instinct. I decided to gnaw my limbs off to escape. It was dark in there. On the sixteenth try I gnawed through one of my own limbs. Scarmbling out through the sewer system, I came to this place. They had paper to write on. My only hope of dealing with my guilt is to expose the horror of that place before the midgets catch me and I hear the laugh of the bear again. I know they will feed me to the snake. But my words will reach others and a revolution of human outrage will change all that!


TMI, dude! :P


Admin: No Flooding in here please!


Alright, I'll admit unapologetically that I'm a regular at Gochizzle. But even I was a little creeped out today when the Dark Empress took my chin in her hand and said to me, "Such lovely lines in your face...Perhaps I should immortalize them by attaching a few anchor points and separating them into neat, manageable layers." She then called out for a "free hand" (one of her midget thugs, I assume).


What other kind of nefarious deals does the Dark Empress have her hand in? The rumors seem to grow scarier by the day. Can anyone back up any of this with fact? What do you think, what do you know, what can you prove?


Prove? PROVE? PROVE?!!!!!

--Broken Capslock

iopq: I heard the Dark Empress hired 9p players to help her win bets. You didn't hear this from me. I never said anything.

iopq, you've just found the tip of the iceberg, it wracks me with grief to say... Those "9p" she employs are secretly a new species of player that her scientists have developed using the mutated DNA of smoked gouda. When no one is watching, she has been known to take a bite out of the thighs of up to three "pros" at a time! What a horrible grilled on toast travesty of mock humanity they are! When will it end?!!!

--Drama Queen

Gochizzle last edited by on September 29, 2005 - 06:09
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